What am I doing? Where am I going? Is this where I want to be? Have I achieved anything?
I’ve hit 25 and a half years old and lately all these questions came into my head. I’ve recently split from an 8 and a half year relationship, I still live with my mother, I have had the same pointless job for 7 years next month, I’ve never been to university, my music taste (as my parents keep telling me) is juvenile, I wear the same boring clothes (my mother keeps telling me), I still don’t know how to drive, I don’t have a tattoo yet (I’m too scared of pain to get one and I get bored easily), I can’t play an instrument even though I’m in love with people who do, I have no friends (not who share similar intrests) and all I do lately is compare myself to others which I know is a bad thing but I can’t help it!
As a child, I had high hopes for myself and tried my best to learn all that I could. The one thing I was always good at was talking and I had a great imagination yet I had difficulties making friends and no one shared the same imagination as me, or they did up to a certain point. I moved around a lot as a child so I never made any real connections or attachments with people or places. When I was a teen I just thought, ah well time will pass I won’t need them anyway but to be honest I kind of do. I have no one to hang out with, go shopping with, go to gigs so I’m rather jealous of the whole stupid #squadgoals thing. The only friend I feel like I have to talk about music, fashion etc to is a girl I met via the wonderful world of instagram. Even though a lot of people will be like “oh she’s not real”, “what if she’s a 50 year old man”, “could be a complete weirdo” I understand their concerns but we’ve talked for like 2 years maybe more, exchanging photos and chats and stuff. But I positively think that the possibility of there being someone else in this world who likes the same stuff as me is real and this girl is it. I’m thankful I’ve found her and she can give a non judgemental approach to stuff I talk to her about as she doesn’t live in the same country as me but we have such a great understanding for each other.
I had a boyfriend (well fiancé but I’m not a huge fan of the word) up until a few weeks ago, things just didn’t work out after 8 and a half years and we were grown up about it and split amicably but now I’m like…right…what do I do with that free time? I’m not on the look out for anybody but I do wonder, what do people think of me, what do I look like to them, am I sexy, am I too weird, is my mother right about my style, do I have an annoying laugh…you know the normal thoughts 😕 I also have a select taste in men, usually long hair, leather pants, tattoos and eyeliner and those kind of guys generally don’t go for short ginger girls like me so I’m gonna be waiting a while, which to be honest doesn’t bother me (I’m friend lonely, not boyfriend lonely). I look at girls with their guys on social media and everyone seems to be drawn to a similar person to themselves so there is hope out there. My positive look to this is that if someone is mad enough to put up with my bat shit craziness and me blabbering about music then they must love me for me.
The other day an old lady collapsed in the middle of the road and I ran over, she had blood everywhere pouring from her nose and cars stopped, from one of the cars jumped out a woman and she shouted “I’m a nurse”. To my surprise it was a woman who I went to school with and she was an absolute bitch to me back then. She used to sit at the back of the class not paying attention causing shit (throwing stuff at the back of my head to be specific and bullied me with her cronies) and shouted “EHHH?!” rather loud to make her sound really thick when she didn’t understand anything. I really tried hard, paid attention, revised for exams, did extra work and tried everything to get good grades and she would dick about, skip classes, never get work in on time. But there we were she was a trained nurse helping possible save this women’s life and there’s me in my black restaurant uniform covered in mushy peas and soup sticking of beer walking home. The tables had really turned and I felt awful about myself, I put in so much effort at school and I fucked it up by choosing to study Performing Arts at college to piss my mum off rather than studying travel and tourism and pursuing my dream as an air hostess (I’m only 5″1 so I’m too short to do it anyway).
I guess that these things might have been the push that I needed to start making some changes in my life and challenging myself. I started this blog (not that I’m a roaring success but I’ll keep trying, it’s quite therapeutic), my GlamRat instagram page (nearly at 200 followers which isn’t much but it’s a start), I’m hoping to create my own jewellery, in years to come try and make a magazine of GlamRat and I’m definitely gonna have to learn to drive so I can be free (well as I can be) and hopefully start making a success out of my life.
I do doubt myself a lot and from a lot of judgement made to me in the past those dark thoughts do resurface every now and then but surely being in my mid 20s just means I have a bigger push to achieve more in the coming years, don’t I??