“Well that’s ticked off my bucket list”, hang on a minute…I’m not dying so why do I have a Bucket List??
Through life I’ve added things onto my Bucket List, my Luxury List and my Band List. Why I do it I don’t know but my best guess is because I want to achieve things and no matter how small, it gives me something to strive for. Both my parents are not…let’s say…ambitious and one certain parent has a huge chip on their shoulder and wants everything to be handed to them which sadly life doesn’t do. Because of them I’ve always prepared myself to be disappointed, always prepared myself for the worst so that when things don’t go my way it doesn’t hurt as much but when it does I can be over the moon. My brother does the same thing, it’s probably very unhealthy mentally but I still function through life.
I have the boring things on my Bucket List like landmarks, countries and activities. Thankfully I can say I’ve been to Venice, up St Mark’s Tower to stare at the view which is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen, looked the Rialto Bridge (couldn’t get over the bridge thanks to a huge group of Chinese tourists but hey) and wandered round the Doge Palace but I am yet to see my own Capital City of London…yes I’ve been to the Tower of London but not the rest of it. I’d love to go to the glorious US of A even though my uncle who works over there a lot says I’m not missing much but a trip to the USA also entwines with my Band List as I’d love to go to Los Angeles…the home of 80s rock! Just for my own reasons and to find the birth of sleazy rock n roll.
On my luxury list is another bunch of cliché things like a Louis Vuitton suitcase, a Chanel handbag, Tiffany diamond earrings (for what occasion where they would be required I’d never know) and the not so luxury item of a pair of LEVI jeans, not expensive to some but to piss poor little ole me it is! I know people say that material things can’t buy you happiness which obviously they don’t but for a short while they can give you a small satisfaction, the feeling of…”yeah, I achieved that”. Which brings me to the full circle of my reason for lists.
Yes maybe it is an obsession with trying to make my life have meaning, so that when my day comes I can say…”well that was time well spent” or I can feel satisfied with what I have done (materialistic or not) rather than looking back and thinking…”fuck what a waste of time”. I’d hate to be disappointed with my life and yes at the moment I am not achieving much significantly which is why I give myself the smaller goals to create the illusion of achievement.
I just hope I can make someone happy and proud with what I have done and not be the disappointment which I am trying so hard not to become.